Blogging once and again..
Woke up really early today.. (4am.. is that early enough??)
Slept at 8.45pm ystd.. was feeling really sick and tired ystd.. although i woke up at 2pm..

I just want to take this time to blog about what i've been feeling inside of me lately..
The feelings and thoughts that i have.. Especially alot about my life..
It's like a self-reflection kind of thing..
So this post is so gonna be boring.. Unless u are really interested what in the world has been going on in this benben's mind..

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Like what i've posted yesterday, time has really fly pass alot..
4 months in perth already..
What've i really been doing all this while..

I was thinking just now as i was feeling bored..
After some blog hopping and reading post of my friends..
I feel really bad..
To the extent that really really bad about myself..
Really Really bad..
So bad that i just took 5 mins.. To just step one step back..
To think and reflect..
Think about what has been going wrong all this while.. Ever since i've left..
In my own terms, it's called self-contridicting time..

sometimes it's really good to contridict one self..
Not to the esteem that u are having really very low self esteem..
But to the extent that it's time for u to close a chapter in your book and start a new one..
I feel that it's time for me to close this chapter titled: Ben's first 4 mths in australia without God
But open a new chapter called: Benjamin's new life here with God..

Firstly, after reading a blog of my cell member and talking to them to those back in singapore, i just feel really down.. but at the same time, really encouraged.. Ever since my departure, i have to admit that i've neglected God a lot.. Especially when it comes to prayer, fasting and even simple task like reading the bible daily.. It has been ages since i've opened that book which is always full of mysteries.. The book which is so full of teachings and never ending things that i can learn just by reading the stories inside..

It's like all my members have already grown so much.. so much more mature.. and each time i talk to them, i personally can feel how much they have grown.. not just mentally or physically, but spiritually as well.. It's like God is everything to them.. I remember myself back in singapore once that i used to be like that.. always ever ready to serve God and His people.. Having the fear of Him.. but now, seems like it's all gone.. Totally gone now.. I've already lost all my purpose of living.. Lost all my purpose of moving on..

Sorry to disappoint all my church mates back in singapore, especially my cell group who has been always praying for me.. I still feel the protection that i once had.. but it's not as strong anymore.. it's like i am not even trying to help myself.. I feel so much in pain as typing this.. It has been so long since i hear christian songs as well.. Feel so contridicted now.. My heart seems so hurt.. like grieving.. really feel like crying now..

It seems like i'm feeling how it's like to feel neglected.. Just like how i've neglected my Father.. My only Father whom i know of.. My Abba Father.. Now flashbacks are just happening inside my head.. it's like how far i've come all the way here is not bcoz it's coincidental or it's totally fate that brought me here.. It was my Father who brought me all the way here.. My Father who has gave me all those blessings and protection to come over this far..

"Take Me as You find me, all my fears and failures, Fill my life again".. Just like the lyrics in the song Mighty to Save by Hillsongs.. Take all my fears and failures.. Fill my life once again Dad.. I want u to be with me every single moment of me life..

Secondly, i just feel that i've been totally being a bad guy.. Being really selfish.. where is the Ben who used to treat his sports leaders and friends to meals and drinks.. who never worries about money.. So what if i'm financially not doing very well now.. It doesnt matter.. "bless and it shall be given back to you".. What you sow is what you reap.. I want to be a blessing in everyone's life..

Thirdly, i really want to apologise to a few groups of people.. for so many things.. It's time that i really feel remorse about my past behaviors.. even tho i never like to talk about the past, i just feel that an apology is really neccessary for me to move on.. with all these remorse in my heart, i don't think i'll never move on.. I want to apologies to my teachers back in marsiling sec, my friends and people around me.. Sorry for tolerating with my nonsense.. I was a bad bad boy..

After saying so many things, no point thinking about the past le.. History is what happened the second before u are in now.. So how is the new chapter of my life going to be?.. I wonder what kind of story will i write for my term 2 in Tafe.. what kind of story will i write for the rest of my life??.. I dont know.. But for sure, everything is so going to be different.. I believe that i'll move on to be someone better.. Grown up =) it's time to move on.. no point pondering about what's happening to everyone in singapore or missing them miserably.. Be glad that they are doing well and i'll have to be as well as everyone back home.. So i promise everyone here today.. that I'll be a better person..

Change can never happen overnight.. But i can happen over a period of time.. I still have 7 mths plus before i return to singapore.. Hmm.. i wonder how will everyone be at that time??.. Who are the ones who will be there to fetch me when i return.. How will I be like?? Can't wait for the future.. can never move hold while being obsess with the past..

Hmm.. I wonder.....................