Back here to blog..

All i can say now will be,
I'm feeling a lot better right now..
But still, the psychological and emotional impact is still there..
But i will stay strong..
Reason? I don't want to show anyone that I'm being weak!!
Gonna show everyone that Ben's a strong man =)
Besides, what is losing badminton compared to so many other things?
I've lost my one of my close friends.. Yvonne..
I've lost my parental love since i was young..
I've lost so many other things as well as having rejections from so many people time and again..
What is losing badminton leh? =X

My mind now i can say is totally focus on North Zone tournament..
Been back to Marsiling as a coach the past 1 mth..
I was telling Miss Lim today about what was in my mind..
About me going back to serve Marsiling during this holiday of mine..
My thoughts and feelings towards it..
All i can say is I seriously have no regrets going back to MSL this holiday..
Because i was like super satisfied with everything lah..
Seeing all my juniors who used to be cute cute kids FINALLY GROWN UP..
Behaving more like an adult now, having more mature thoughts..
Going after their dream boys and girls.. LOL.. (I'm still stuck single =.=" Anyone interested??)
Seeing them giving instructions and guiding juniors already..
Indeed, the feeling inside me can never be expressed or understood till u urself have go through this and experienced it yourself..

I told Miss Lim, the feeling is super super good lah..
You can't see this and experience this except for ONLY SECONDARY SCHOOL LIFE..
Which is only once in a life time..

And seriously, how i wish i go back to my secondary school days..
Where everyone is rebellion, playful, being vocal, having fun all the time, studying together, going through tough times together, bullying juniors =X, doing what we love to do in school, falling in love with girls etc.. LOL =P
And having this feeling inside myself once again brings nothing, but only memories of joy =)

So far, all i can say is, my juniors has seriously been giving in their best shot in this year's tournament so far..
Althought everyone has only played against one school..
But to me, just seeing their performance and score for once really make me feel super satisfied..
Bcoz, 他们全都长大了, 都知道自己心里想要做的事了。
That is more than enough already..

Well, All i can say now to my juniors is..
So sorry i can't be with you guys all the way till 2nd round, or even all the way to the Nationals.. I have to go back to Australia to pursue my dreams again.. I really wish to see you guys more and be with you all more often, to guide you all in the sport that i really love the most.. To see you all grow more in badminton as well as your daily life.. As i leave, i hope that the past 6 weeks of meeting with you all have left a deep impact to you guys and hope it brought your love towards badminton and life.. All the best, chase after your dreams, don't let your guard down.. I have a lot of fun time with you all.. Take care.. Love you guys.. Ben =)

P.S Gavin and Ai Ting, my wish is for you to challenge yourself to become Sports Leaders =)
(Hope you guys will come across this blog)

Anyway guys,
ending here..
Adios Amigos.. Ciao

Labels: decisions, Singapore, Thoughts and Feelings

A few days ago, as I stepped into Jurong Medical Centre, waiting for my turn to be called by the doctor into his consultation room, I knew that I was definitely not going to hear good news from him.

He told me to give up one of my passion, my “precious”. It was something that has played a vital role in my life when I was a young teenager in a Secondary School. I have to give up something that I really love to do, something that I express my thoughts and feelings with, something that is like a part of my blood. Hearing his news is like having a pregnant mother after giving birth to her child that she has to give it up for adoption or hearing that the baby has died. That pain was simply indescribable, something that I personally do not wish to experience once again.

Although at the centre, I had someone with me, but to me, it kind of did not ease the pain inside of me at all. Because it seems to me like no one is going to understand how I feel at all, having being told to give up something that I really love from young. I seriously felt I was alone, with no shoulder to lean on, on one to cry out to, no one to understand how I really felt inside of myself. I ended up putting a brave front in front of her, pretending to be happy, but deep inside, I really feel pain, pain, nothing but just plain pain.

At that time, after been to the centre, we left for Jurong point’s arcade, played a few games. Seriously, it was extremely fun. I managed to let go of my disappointment inside of me, just like for her, releasing her anger as well as she was being angry with someone. It released the agony inside of me temporarily, but deep inside a few hours later, I felt really useless once again.

Badminton has been a part of my life since I was in Primary 6. I officially took it up and devoted myself to mastering it only when I stepped into Secondary 1 in Marsiling. I always told my juniors, one of the reasons behind why I remained in badminton and being so committed to it is because of my seniors, and what lessons it has taught me the past 4 years of growing from being a kid, to a young adult. I dare to say that badminton has not only taught me about the sport itself, it has taught me extremely valuable lessons of teamwork, commitment, discipline, self-respect, respect for others and so many others that it applies to my values of life now and my daily decision making.

To side track a bit, Singaporeans will really find it hard to understand these things, maybe a handful of them will, but maybe not the majority. This is only my personal point of view towards it. It seems from what people tell me and from my observation that Singaporeans nowadays tend to get whatever they want, and being “kiasu”, they will surely do things that will be of their benefit, not something that they’ll want to have a loss on. Singaporeans are having a super good life as well, having whatever they want since being kiddies. As like what a Chinese proverb says “When the food comes, just have to open the mouth, when the clothes comes, just need to raise the hands so that it can be put on for them.”

I have been asking myself, why? Why? Why? Why is this happening to me? I’m just only a young man, age 18 this year, being the age when I’m granted half of my freedom, going through such things already? How miserable can my life be? After going through so many things from young that are things not to be proud of and now, a serious injury and I have to give up my precious because of this? I told myself, “God, You gotta be kidding me bah?”

Last night after service, I was feeling super down. I really wanted to talk to someone whom I trust and someone whom will be willing to listen to me complain to and “emo” to again. I thought of someone who was like right in front of me. Initially, we were supposed to go home together, but at a later time of the night, she smsed me telling me to go home, because she’s going to talk to her mates. I was super enraged. I didn’t know how to react to it. Just that I began to asked myself this question, “Am I being someone irritating?” as I contact her almost every day and very often. I began to question myself of my own existence as well, asking myself about do other people around me find me irritating as well? Since I kind of like ask them how are they doing almost every day. I just wanted someone whom I really trust to talk to, how hard is that?

Now, after finally managing to think through about it and seeking God for an answer, I turned positive. Although this has happened to me, SO WHAT?? It’s not the end of the world. I still have to live on strong and healthy. My main priority now is to recover, get well soon and live my life happily every single day.

As I was typing this halfway, I began to be reminded of something written in the bible. It was about Abraham about to sacrifice Isaac for God. Isaac at that time, is Abraham’s “precious”, and as for the story of it, most Christians will know what happened. It seems like to me, Badminton is my “precious”, and it’s a crucial part in my life that I’ve never really considered to let go of. But now, I have to let go. I told myself this, if I’m able to fully let go of badminton this time, which is my “precious”, I believe that a lot of things in my life will surely go up to the next level. I believe that I’ll be someone who knows how to let go of things, instead of holding onto something that will bring harm to my life in the future. I also believe this, that God will never short-change me. Something might be gone and taken away from me, but I believe that something good is going to happen. Just like after Abraham wanted to give his son as an offering, God blessed Abraham.

Although for my situation is different from Abraham, giving up badminton is for my own good, but in my mind now, I believe that God is a good God. I’ll be fine for sure.

Exodus 24:12
“Come up to the mountains and be there..”
Although I don’t know what’s on the mountain, but I will be there..

I’m going to stay positive about this..
Wish me well people =)

Labels: decisions, Singapore, Thoughts and Feelings

Well, knowing of my condition..
I've made someone cry..
In my badminton path towards Australia,
She has played a vital role in my route there..

Sorry i made you cry cynny..
But having you as my mixed doubles partner was fun =)
I will recover well and see you in the court again one day.
I believe =)

Labels: Singapore, Thoughts and Feelings

SLIP DISC!!!
ARGHHHHHHHH!!!

Doctor told me one thing today..
"PLEASE STOP BADMINTON FOR GOOD!!"
Doc, that's like telling me, "DO NOT EAT FOREVER"
But to recover, i'll obey..

Woke up super early today..
Headed down to 335 to eat breakfast,
Went down to HP,
Went down to CREATIVE
Went to Jurong Point ARCADE!! FUN =)
Went for physio-therapy =X
Went back to arcade!! MORE FUN =)
Novena take stuff,
Bugis to meet friend and makan pastamania
Pool at Checkpoint,
Walked to my "emo place" to emo together,
Talked alot of heart stuff and problems,
Walked home

That's how my day was..
LONG.. BUT EXTREMELY FRUITFUL =)
Thanks

A few minutes ago, someone sms-ed me and ask me am i ok?
To say that i'm ok will mean that i'm actually lying to myself.
And not to lie to myself, i'm not ok.

The past few hours have been extremely tormenting to me already.
Having the worry of what will i be diagnosed with this time round?
And why am i having so much sickness at such a young age?
Can't i for once live my life as a healthy young adult?

A few hours ago,
I went to the polyclinic to see a doctor.
Because i've actually been having lower and upper back pain for the past year plus already.
So doctor put me on x-ray 1st thing tomorrow morning.
Let's see what kind of results will come out at the end.
I've been aware of my condition myself that i went to check books out and read on it.
And i came across to know this problem as MS aka multiple sclerosis.
It is a back deformation condition that affected the nerve system of the body,
that will affect the hands, eyes, walking and moving ability of the victim.
I asked the doctor if i have a possibility to get it,
He said, might have to prepare for it.
But he hope that it's just posture problems that i have that's all.

After that check-up just now,
i have to be put on x-ray tomorrow..
If unable to find anything from tmr,
gonna have to prepare a few thousand dollars for MRI scan.
And might have to prepare a few thousand dollars for spine corrective surgery.

God, i'm not gonna be prepared for the worst.
Bcoz, i know that you are gonna be there for me and heal me.
God, I need you..

Today (10 Jan 2009) can be considered as another turning point into my life.
I rededicated myself back to God once again.
Seriously throughout the past 1 year in Australia, i was really spiritually dry and lost control of myself to temptations that kept on coming.

Today's service was preached by Pst John Bevere..
And i must say, HE'S REALLY GOOD..
And after hearing his message, i really got extremely convicted inside my heart..
I somehow came across this into my mind,
that firstly, if i were to die, and when i see Jesus in heaven,
What will He say to me?
Deep inside my heart, i'll really want him to tell me "Well done my son, I'm proud of you =)"
No one seriously wants to be neglected by their own dad.
I somehow did not get fatherly love at all in my life.
But seriously, i feel that God is really the only one who really fulfill my need of a father.

During the service, i stood up for the altar-call.
I felt this feeling inside of me to stand up.
As i stood up, a wave of His presence came and hit me HARD.
I started crying as i went down to the front.
Somehow, i felt that i've overcome the pride that was in me.
It seems to me that i can't even remember when was the last time i cried in His presence.
It seems to me that i can't even remember how His presence feels like when it covers me.

After service, i talked to Fookai about what has been going on in my life.
All my struggles, my problems and things that struck me recently.
I'm really glad that i've said all those things out.
After saying it, i felt so so much better than before.
I feel lighter inside my heart and feel happier.
And seriously, i did a lot of thinking.
I remember telling Yong Gao the other day,
that i'm a heart and feeling person who goes with my heart more than my brain.
But for once, i really thought a lot.
And made a few decisions that i thought it was really really crucial.
that's gonna affect my life the next 19 months in Australia.
Anyway, thanks fookai, for sitting down there listening to me and pray for me =)
I really really appreciated it.

And to conclude this post.
I'm glad that i stood up and went down yesterday. =)

Labels: decisions, Singapore, Thoughts and Feelings

Hey people.. here to blog le..
Recently, came to know this girl who's from CHC..
Her name is Li Mei..
She was like the most friendly person to me in my new CG, even tho she's not from the same CG as me..
And she's SUPER NAGGY DE LOR.. =X
Nag more than my mum..

Anyway
Went out with Li Mei Earlier just now.. To a few places..
Was supposed to meet her at 10.30am but ended up meeting at 12pm instead.. LOL..

Reason??
OVERSLEPT LAH!!! HAHAHAHA.. both of us =.=" (guessed it correctly?)
I was busy updating my details on this blogskin that i slept only at about 6.20am =.=!!!~
Before that was on the phone with her from 1am to close to 4am..
Talked till the batt of both phones of mine FLAT!! REALLY FLAT!!!
The phone call ended really interestingly..
With some SNORING SOUND!!! hahaha..
She fell asleep while talking to me..

Getting to the main point..
I went to tone my muscles with her for 2 hours and played badminton for an hour..
Tell u guys, i super dislike gym lah..
I'm a traditional training method kind of guys who do not want to fully rely on machines..
While playing badminton, saw 2 super familiar faces came into the sports hall..
IT WAS MR HO and MR ELANGO!!!
Played singles with Mr Ho and i won.. LIKE FINALLY LAH!!~

Headed off to take 856 with her to sembawang area to uncle lim's place..
But he wasn't around..
She was super free lah.. wanted to see how racket was suppose to be strung..
Really sorry eh.. let u see nxt time bah.. hahaha..
Took the shuttle bus to Woodlands!!
Finally sembawang shopping centre had buses to woodlands MRT station..

To end our day, we went to eat KFC after arriving at woodlands..
1st KFC since i return to singapore.. HAHA =X
Surprisingly, we both were craving for KFC at the same time.. LOL
so our stomachs were satisfied..

AND THE WHOLE DAY,
WE CRAP ALL THE WAY LAH
and she kept on saying i'm "irritating".. haha =.=!!!!"

Well in conclusion?
I'm really glad i met someone like her..
She's a really super good friend lah..
Thanks for accompanying me whenever i'm bored..
Really had fun with u these few weeks =)

Hope to have the chance to meet more people like her in singapore =)

Labels: Singapore, Thoughts and Feelings

Time flies really fast..
I'm already here for 3 wks and having exactly 4 wks to go..

So far i must say that the past 3 wks has been really fruitful..
Realised how much i miss everyone and how much i've been missed as well..

I came to realised today that i acutally do not have much time left in Singapore..
Soon, i'll be returning to Australia for another 18 to 20 months..
And i really want my remaining 4 wks to be a super fruitful one..
Gonna start meeting more people for more activities..
Gonna be engaged in more activities..
Gonna play all i can before i return..

Just a brief on my past few weeks here..
1) met my new CG
2) met up with my juniors and secondary school teachers
3) met up with my friends and mates
4) accomplised some of my goals here..
5) Set goals
6) met new people and new friends
and many more..

Gonna blog till here guys..
Catch up again with u guys soon =)

Labels: Singapore, Thoughts and Feelings