As i typed every single word now..

word for word.. alphabet for alphabet..

I realised that time really flies extremely fast..

It seems to me that in the blink of an eye.. it’s already the 29th of November..

As I take a look back and look into what i’ve been doing the past 333 days of 2009,

I realised that there are so many things that i wanna talk and write about..

But it was also a point of time, where i realised that what a waste 2009 is going to be.

I was born in 1991, 18 years ago.. In a small island called Singapore.

Grew up there, went through too many stuff..

So many events that happened that truly shaped my life to where it is today..

And of course, without the support from God and everyone around me,

i wouldn’t have come this far.

Time flies as i look back and realised that it was almost 2 years since i first step into Australia.

A land where I began my hard endeavours and began training hard,

To be moulded into someone who is worthy of fulfilling my calling and my dreams..

But however, as I look back, time really flies..

Who would have thought that I’ve already been here for 23 months plus..

It seems like as though that yesterday was still 27th December 2007,

Where i was at Changi Airport, boarding my quantas flight to Perth, Australia.

It seems like as though that I’ve just started TAFE yesterday..

It seems like as though i’ve just started my job at Box 3 yesterday..

It seems like as though i’ve just joined N246 for Service yesterday..

It seems like as though today has not ended and everything has happened within a short period of time.

But who would have thought that it’s already 2 years since all those things happened?

Time really flies.. It does..

This year really marks a milestone in my life..

Firstly, this year marks my 18th Birthday, which means i’m legal and responsible for my own now..

Secondly, I’ll be officially completing my diploma by 4th December (this coming Friday)..

Thirdly, my grandmother passed away almost 8 months ago and i’m still recovering from it..

Fourthly, I was 2nd placing in the State of Western Australia for the Student Waiter of the Year Comp.

Fifthly, I’ve joined the Tony Roma’s Crew and has been there for the past 7 months now..

Sixthly, I was scouted to join 399 Bar and has been there for almost 2 months..

Seventhly, I became someone whom I do not wish to be..

Eighthly, I lost a few close ones, either they passed away, or they left me.

And the list will never end..

2009 Has been a really awesome year..

But until today, as i continue typing this post out,

I just feel unsatisfied.. I still feel lost.. I still have mixed feelings on the inside of me..

I seriously have no idea what is it that i really want in life right now??

I know I want hospitality, I want to do things..

But I’m just tired.. Extremely Tired..

I just feel like as though everyone is having too high hopes on me..

It’s hard to maintain things, like friendship and relationship..

Lately, I began to realise something..

That I am not able to love someone..

I find it extremely hard to love someone..

I just find it hard to really love someone whole-heartedly..

I always remember this, that as i was growing up..

I didn’t really get must love and attention..

I will always do things to get attention of people..

I will do anything just to get people to look at me and talk to me..

I hate it when people start avoiding me..

And as the years go by, as not being able to understand why do people avoid me,

I began having lots of fury stored on the inside of me..

I seriously hate it when people say that they “love” me..

It feels like as though that word “love” is so shallow and easy to say..

Loving someone truly is not easy..

Love is unconditional.. It’s also a bitter sweet sensation..

Love is not only about sex.. it’s about total mutual understanding on what both parties really needs

Love is about giving your all, that you are even willing to die and sacrifice for that person..

Love is about knowing that person well, both their strengths and weaknesses..

Love is about accepting those strengths and weaknesses.

Love is not judgemental, it’s about caring for one another..

In Short, Love is all about understanding and acceptance and feelings for one another..

I seriously still find it hard to love..

If lets say i meet someone who i really cannot tolerate, i will just immediately tell that person off..

Doesn’t that make me being hated by so many people??

I just feel bad if i don’t tell that person about how i feel..

Of course common sense wise, if you are the only one having problem with that person,

Obviously the problem lies in you.. not the other party..

But however, if the situation is opposite, it means that the problem likes majorly in the other party..

And I still just feel that love is such a vague word..

It’s just like saying “sorry”

Why say sorry when you don’t really mean it??

Shouldn’t the word ‘sorry” and “love” comes from the true feelings of the heart?

Wouldn’t it only contaminate those words if u just say it briefly when you don’t mean it??

It’s just pure ridiculous..

I was just talking to mum today about 飲水思源..

Which means that one must never forget the hand that feed you,

Never ever forget where all your training comes from..

I was just telling my mum today as we were on the way to Mandurah from Oat Street, explaining to her about what I feel about this.

And it came across my mind that if every single one is being 飲水思源,

Wouldn’t the world be a much better place to be in??

Wouldn’t the world be a place where there is love and not having hatred between each other developed?

I personally feel that people nowadays must always remember their roots,

Like for myself, I owe who I am today to so many people..

That is why, I seriously try my very best, to put in the best effort I can have towards “repaying” to those people who have mould me to who I am today..

And to be honest, they can be anyone on the streets as well, or any stranger..

It can even be you!! Who’s reading this blog post now..

Thanks for being there in my life..

Without meeting you, those lessons wouldn’t have mould me to this stage..

It seems to me this year that I’ve changed..

I’ve became more proud, more arrogant.. I have too much pride in me..

And seriously, God hates pride the most out of all the deadly sins..

I have became a snobbish idiot who things he’s damn good..

I don’t want to be overtaken by my pride..

But at the same time, I want people to accept me..

I’ve also became more temperamental..

I blow my top quite easily.. and I became more aggressive..

I will rebut to every single thing that people tell me off about..

I became too aggressive and defensive..

To me, it’s not being humble at all..

It’ll only leave a bad impression to others..

So why is this happening to me?

What happened to the Old Ben who used to be nice and kind?

Who does not show such things??

Maybe he died?

I remember that before I came to Australia, I managed to control my problem of habitual swearing..

But as of now, I realized that I swear damn lot..

It’s like as though I will tend to swear at any sentence or anything that happens..

I don’t want this to happen..

I feel that all these happens bcoz of a main major reason..

I’ve stopped praying and reading the bible.. therefore = no discipline at all..

In conclusion, 2009 so far has showed me these things

1) Life without God, truly sucks.. it sucks BIG TIME

2) I need to find out about love, fear not and step out of my comfort zone, to daringly go and love people..

3) I need more personal time for rest for myself..

4) I need to spent more time with people and not take them for granted

5) I need to make sure that I will become more discipline to fulfill my goals of 2010

6) I need to make sure that 2010 will be a better year.. in every single thing I do..